Okay, y’all. (please click. the wiki page about the word y’all is hysterical) Time to get real.
The past few days have been really hard. Like. Super. My ex’s birthday was the other day, I realized that I’ve only been in Dallas for two and a half weeks (feels like months, y’all.), I have NO idea what I’ll be doing in six months, where I will be living, etc… And all of these feelings of… lacking just sort of popped up. I feel like a nomad. Which is not exactly comforting. I don’t want to be a wanderer, I don’t want to be without direction.
I just want to love God and know my vocation.
Annnnnnd there it is. There’s the clincher. My desire to know where I’m going to be in five years is affecting my ability to enjoy the NOW. And I’m here NOW. I won’t be here in five years, and my life in five years depends on being here in the NOW…
Loving God means that my vocation will be made to known to me through the relationship with Him.
Of course, knowing the truth doesn’t make my life easier. I know, in the depths of my heart, that I am inherently loved by God, and I believe that. But I feel so alone right now. I feel like I don’t know HOW to love God because He feels so far away… This is partially because when I feel distance from God, I struggle to pray because it feels like a waste of time. And then I get caught up in this feeling and find myself where I am right now– this happens all the time.
Feeling apart from God feels so wrong. In it’s own way, that is very reassuring. I would be concerned if it felt more right than wrong to be in this place in my heart…
In the end… I just need prayers. I need to pray and to be prayed for. Just as the human body suffers when one part is ailing, so, too, the Body of Christ suffers if one member does. I feel all by myself because I’ve met exactly four people here and I don’t know any of them well enough to call them and talk about these things. I am experiencing distance and time zone differences with my friends at home. Neither of these things are anyone’s fault… But it is really hard.
It is hard to be lonely. It is hard to feel distant from the familiar, from the known. It is so, so hard to pray through the deserts of life, especially when it feels like you’ll never reach the oasis of consolation.
Yet prayer is the only thing that gets us through the hopeless desolation (I need to tattoo that backwards on my forehead so that I never forget (especially since I look at myself in the mirror a lot)). In all relationships, communication is imperative. This is true for our relationship with God, our family, friends, significant others, spouses, etc… The thirst for Living Water can only be quenched by Jesus. Talking to Him, seeing Him in adoration, receiving Him in the Eucharist.
The consequence of this truth is that it is difficult to discipline ourselves into this relationship. There are very few tangible benefits. You cannot hold the hand of Jesus and go for a walk. He will not come home to you in the evenings and help you cook dinner and put away the dishes.
He offers so much more– eternal life– but it’s hard to think of eternity while living in the temporary.
Sorry this is so whiny. I’m exhausted and I’m struggling. Y’all are in my prayers (however ineffective they may be ;) ) and I appreciate you reading this.
Here’s your reward. A baby elephant playing in the ocean. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aosjOHZXRTY