This has been a horrible week. Between what happened in Boston and West, TX… Lumped on top of the fourteenth anniversary of the Columbine shooting… My own little hurts feel so small.
It’s hard to say “I’m proud to be an American” when it seems that another horrible thing happens at each bend in the road.
It’s easy to say “Where is God in all of this?”
It is certainly easier to place blame than to pray, it is easier to hurt than to heal, and it is easier to wallow than to seek justice, at least for me. I am hurt, and seeing my fellow Americans, my brothers and sisters, hurt doesn’t help ease those wounds.
Annnnd I just got my NET letter… More bad news, fellas. It wasn’t a “rejection” just a “reapply next year” letter. And that’s fine, for most people. But next year, my girls are seniors and I want to be there for them. I could potentially be finishing school myself next year and trust me, I want to be finally finished with school. I want to be in Colorado. And I want what I want when I want it. Because even though I’m a week away from being a stage-2 adult*, at heart I’m six and selfish.
I’m really good at saying things like, “whatever God wants will be good for me!” and “the Lord will do His will, and it will be perfect and I’m going to be okay with it!”
But right now, I’m not. I’m just not okay with it.
I’m not humble enough to take the Lord at His word that everything will work out. I’m far too proud for that. This was the best time for me, in my linear life, for NET. And reminding myself that God is outside of time is not super fun. It is, in fact, the opposite. It sucks and it is hard and I actually hate it.
God has the best plan. But I’m limited in my ability to see it, and especially in my ability to recognize fruit beyond my own desires.
Boo. I don’t have anything else to say. Sorry, y’all. Maybe something more enlightened when I feel better.
I need a vat of chocolate and something deep-fried.
*There are three stages of adulthood:
- Stage-1 is 18- first and most rights of adulthood.
- Stage-2 is 21- drinking age.
- Stage-3 is 25- being able to rent a car.