In our world, you are told you have two options: to be happy or to be holy.
The secular world recognizes “happiness” as pleasure: money, career satisfaction, family, friends, sex. Temporal and sensual, things you can feel, taste, hold, and smell. Things that can be good but are not lasting. Holiness is something deeper. It is undesired by the world, because there are not as many temporal benefits. The idea of consequence has been virtually removed from our current society, and holiness challenges that. Holiness extends to life beyond death.
My current issue is that I’m pursuing neither the temporal nor the infinite, neither happiness nor holiness. I’m stuck. I’m frozen, and allowing the numb to take over.
And it sucks, honestly. I can recognize what I’m doing, yet I still can’t get myself to do anything different. Each time I’ve attempted to be better in the past, something causes another hurt, and I retreat to the numb.
The thing is that I WANT to be holy. I want it so bad. I just don’t want to do the work. One of my biggest vices is sloth- I am lazy and undisciplined. We look like twins, right?
But the numb… it’s easy. It’s known. I’ve been in desolation for so long that the idea of consolation, of living in peace and harmony with Jesus, is actually terrifying. There’s something about pursuing holiness that is incredibly overwhelming. I just want to burrow in my bed and sleep for days… Not get up, go to mass, pray, or anything else.
The thing about desolation is that it doesn’t have to be void of joy. I think of “happy” as a worldly term, but I think of joy as something deeper. Joy comes from knowing Jesus and celebrating love with him. Even when it is hard. Even when He whispers and doesn’t shout. It comes from recognizing the beauty beyond feeling.
It doesn’t change my fear. Even knowing that whatever the Lord has planned for me is perfect, I can’t seem to let my selfishness go. Like I said before, I want what I want when I want it. Yes, that includes holiness. It also includes a lot of things that may not lead me to the holy life I desire. And doing the work to be holy isn’t in my plan.
It all comes down to discipline. I need like a spiritual boot camp.
Help me out of this numb funk (say that ten times fast?) y’all.