Not that it’s a lie or anything. I mean, I do look pale today. Between my blonde hair, translucent skin, cream dress, palest-pink sweater, and tan boots… I thought about changing out the sweater for something less drab, but when have I ever gone the more adventurous route? (answer: not once.)
Anyhow. Bigger and brighter.
What I’m Wearing:
- Dress from Forever 21. Mine did not include a belt.
- This is the same belt I wore last week whoops.
- This is essentially the same sweater, only striped. Mine is a few years old (like four or five).
- Boots from American Eagle. I love them. They have a heel + are comfy. Such a rarity!
Today is a very special day. Today is a day where we commemorate the men in our lives: our fathers, priests, deacons, step fathers, godfathers, foster fathers, and those who desire fatherhood.
My own relationship with my father has definitely changed as I’ve grown. My dad traveled a lot when I was a kid, and he’s never been one to express a lot of emotions, so we never really had an emotional relationship. I’ve never questioned the love of my father, but there were times (when I was in middle school and early high school, especially) where I wondered if he liked me. My middle school years were pretty rough- we moved across the country, I started puberty, my parents had a baby, etc. I had never been one to express emotion before, but during that time, I broke down. I was scared, stressed, and overly-hormonal. I didn’t understand why this had happened, and I felt like my parents didn’t understand. I also felt like my dad thought less of me for sharing my emotional struggles with him. He’s very business-like and I felt like I was disappointing to him for not being the same way.
As I grew up, my emotional state of mind didn’t really change, and we drifted apart, little by little. He was afraid to talk to me because he was afraid of setting me off, and I was afraid to approach him with raw feeling. He didn’t want to feel like he was the reason I was upset; I didn’t know how to accurately express the real reason I was upset without getting more upset. You can imagine how that went.
Yet, as I said above, I never doubted my daddy’s love. My father is a wonderful man and I have learned many things from him. Work ethic, humor, respect, how to drive, how to drive a stick shift, my faith, among other things, but most of all, love. I’ve seen the way my father loves his family. He has shown me what I deserve in a future husband.
My father wrote on his Facebook page that my blog has helped him to understand me better, which is wonderful, in my mind. I know that it was hard for him to acknowledge and understand how much pain I’ve been in, but I think it was harder for him to know that I was in pain at all. My father desires me to be happy, joyful, and pain-free. He wants me to love and be loved.
To a certain extent, I think all children struggle through some sort of “daddy issues.” Whether you had the World’s Number One Dad or the World’s Most Absent Deadbeat Dad, we all have an inherent expectation for our fathers- one that can only be fulfilled by our Heavenly Father.
I struggled to approach God the Father because I was fearful that He would not understand me. I was afraid that if I brought my bleeding heart to Him, He would turn away. Not because He didn’t love me, but because He didn’t know how to love me in that moment. I would think of the ways I had failed, the sorrows on my heart, the weight of my depression, and I would assume that my Heavenly Father knew not of these things. I didn’t want to burden Him with my problems when there were so many bigger things in the world.
It’s taken a long time- and my father’s Facebook post- for me to begin to change my thinking. I’m still working on accepting that God the Father cares about my heart. I love my daddy and knowing that he cares about my heart (and likes me as a person) brings about a feeling that cannot be expressed.
Thank you, daddy. You are the best and I couldn’t ask for better. I’m thankful for our mutual love of baseball and movies, as well as our time spent marathoning Jeopardy. You are one of the greatest men I’ve ever known. I am so thankful for you.
awkward transitional side note.