I recently fell upon the “Not Alone Series,” a link-up of single Catholics who discuss certain topics each week, while reminding each other that there is solidarity and community that exists as singles. YAY because it seems like every. single. blog. out there is for mommies and wives, of which I am neither.
So. Here goes.
The topic this week is- gulp- “What I Love About Being Single.”
Which is, of COURSE, the first week that I decide to participate. That would happen. I mean, there are still days I have to remember that I am single. What could I possibly love about this lifestyle that I was not expecting, and that I’m struggling to come to terms with?
My most profound, consuming, and ultimate answer is that I have more time. More time for myself, more time for work, more time for family and friends, but most of all, more time for Jesus.
One of the biggest reasons my last relationship failed (if you’re new here, you can read some more about that relationship here) was because of my complete lack of a relationship with Jesus. I was forcing Jesus out and asking my boyfriend to be my Jesus. All I wanted was to be filled, and I couldn’t let go of the tangibility that was found in a dating relationship. I wanted to spend all of my free time with him, because I was lonely and he could hold my hand and remind me that love is real, that I deserved it, etc.
However, not being in a relationship forces me to discover that myself. And the only way I can do that is by dating Jesus. An all consuming relationship with my Savior is the only thing that will bring the fulfillment that I constantly seek.
By the way, this is completely terrifying to me. It’s what I consider the ultimate paradox. Because I know that falling in love with Jesus has its own merit, but it also prepares my heart to fall in love with another person. And the hurting that I’m experiencing now is still so real that I can’t imagine ever going through this again. Numbing my heart is so much easier than allowing it to be Pursued. But now I have the time, and honestly, the desire to seek out Jesus. I consistently feel lonely, unloved, unworthy, part of which is that pesky depression but a lot of it is related to the fact that I am placing my worth in humanity. I don’t think I recognized that when I was dating. I wondered why I felt that way, but I honestly just thought it was in my head. I didn’t realize it was because I was asking him to replace the Love of God in my heart- a truly impossible task!
Being single is allowing me time to get myself together. I am not considering dating, at all, right now, with the exception of Jesus. His Sacred Heart is where I need to be placing all of my fears, concerns, and harmful feelings. My dances with the devil are what tell me that I am undeserving.
This is time for me. Time to truly get to know myself and become the best Catholic, woman, daughter, sister, friend, and future wife and mother I can be. Time to allow myself to be content with Christ alone. Time to discover the joy that comes from authentically giving my heart to the Lord. Time I never knew I needed, and more importantly, wanted.
check out the rest of the NAS with jen, this week’s host! and single readers, please join in! we need each other’s input, amen?