Do you ever feel this way about yourself? Because I know I do. Especially because Jesus knows more than just what I put on Facebook. He knows that my life is deeper than the pictures of cupcakes and the inspirational quotes. He knows that, as open as I am on my blog, there are still things I harbor deep within myself, that I am not comfortable or able to express.
I speak frequently of my desire for sanctification (I mean, the name of my blog expresses that), specifically in being obedient, chaste, and doing my best to be holy. But I can tell you, straight up, that I have failed, do fail, and will continue to fail. And I hate myself for it.
I harbor my sins in my heart, keeping them docked instead of sending them off to sea. I’ve confessed, I can look at the cross and see my Redeemer there, knowing that He suffered that I might join Him in Heaven.
However, I cannot forgive myself. I feel as though my sins, though not very different or worse than anyone else’s, have ruined me. I struggle to look past my failures and accept that I am loved despite of them.
I am not humble. I feel some weird combination of pride and self-loathing: What I’ve done is so horrible, I can never forgive myself, so why should the Creator of the Universe? I’ve berated and belittled myself, and that only perpetuates my depression. Hate might be a strong word, but it is the most accurate describing word most days. I certainly don’t think of myself less (notice how nearly sentence I’ve written today begins with I?)
I mentioned this book a little while ago and I want to share a little bit of one entry that has been a source of some amount of consolation:
There are places in you where you are completely powerless. You want so much to heal yourself, fight your temptations, and stay in control. But you cannot do it yourself. So you must acknowledge your powerlessness. […] Simply start by admitting that you cannot cure yourself. […] Your willingness to let go of your desire to control your life reveals a certain trust. The more you relinquish your stubborn need to maintain power, the more you will get in touch with the One who has the power to heal and guide you.
As much as I struggle, and as often as I fail, I still refuse to accept that I need help. I resort to numbing myself instead of seeking the Goodness that can be found. I feel as though I can only present my most perfect self to God, and since I am far from perfect, I will never reach Him. I am defensive, unmotivated, and weak. And I hate myself for it.
So often, I turn to writing because it helps me to write down truth, and aspire to actually live it. But in actuality, I don’t live a holy life right now. My life is controlled by selfishness, laziness, lust, anger because all of these things are easier than the alternative. Why would Jesus want me after all that I’ve done, what I continue to do, what I know I will do again?
I need to learn how to surrender myself to Jesus and to cease surrendering to Satan. To not only acknowledge that I am powerless, but to also embrace that knowledge. I have a total feminine heart, and I know Jesus desires to pursue me, and that is my greatest desire- I just have to be open and receptive to His Love.
In the meantime, I need to work on prayer. Specifically intentional prayer. Not necessarily full blown conversations, but more than just as I’m trying to fall asleep or before meals. What do you do to practice intentional prayer during the day?
This song is my fave. Such a good prayer for times like this.
PS I am last minute deciding to add this to the Not Alone Series link up with Jen and the other ladies. So. That’s happening. Theme this week was ‘what are you doing now to prepare yourself for marriage’ and my answer is… Learning to not hate myself. Good enough?